Little Lion Man
by Ser.REnity
Summary: Just listen, for a second, a minute, a lifetime.


******Connected to The Darkest Place, Rising Tide and Fallen Empires, Faithful Dis-Believer, and In Obscurity they whisper.**

******Number 3 of the series.**

* * *

**Little Lion Man**

"I did not expect you", she calmly said and crossed her arms before her chest. Her long, red hair swung softly with every breath she took, as she _lived_ once more. Free of the burdens of obligation she cautiously got a step closer. Even in her dress- black, so very darkened in the dim lights- she emitted the vibe of superiority.  
There was music playing in the background, a soft and gentle tune, as the hall began to dance.

A wedding- not his, not hers, but close enough to their hearts to make them stay, for a moment and a moment only.

He hummed his approval and quietly leaned against the pillar close to his vulnerable left side. She could see his chest heaving with each serene breath and although it cost her a few seconds, she did not attack. He was a guest here, an appreciated visitor; his brother had most likely asked him to appear.

His slender silhouette clung to the shadows as though his battle for the sun was finally over.

Natasha noticed how different he was as the people danced past them; laughing happily and showing their love for one another. Of course it had always been the most obvious realization; but right here, right now, among the shining, fair people it seemed so very reasonable for him to stay away from the crowd and hide as he did.

How frail he was. How equally handsome; but in a refined, subtle manner, not brutish, not impressing in stature and build. How dark his hair seemed in comparison to all the color in the room, including hers.

Natasha saw the hurt in his eyes flicker, but it was only pain. The anger had vanished, the bitterness and the want to destroy.

She smiled at him, suddenly aware of a fact that rendered all of her observations useless.

"You want to be here, right? And they want you to stay", she said softly and took her place beside him, facing the crowd.

"Is it getting easier?", she asked and tried to make sense of the emotion playing out on his face. His eyes shone with something akin to sorrow; maybe it was pride, maybe it was the want to belong.

"Yes", Loki replied reluctantly, "They do their very best to make me better. However, sometimes... it is too apparent not to notice."

He shifted slightly.

"Are you here to see my brother?", he asked and tilted his head slightly, "Or rather to keep an eye on me?"

Natasha smiled and appreciated.

"A bit of both. It is my duty as an Avenger to be here, but I needed to make sure your family did not turn soft on you."

Loki looked away and stole a glance at the cheering crowd before turning back.

"Miss Romanoff, can we walk for a bit?"

It surprised her to hear a simple request as this from him; such a casual choice of words and yet suspicious on its own.

But instead of turning him down with a snarky remark or a rhetoric question she nodded and followed for once. It did not feel like giving in, but more like doing him a favor.

So when he led the way out of the hall, away from the festivities and all brutally happy people enjoying themselves, she felt as though she could listen this one time and spare him the lecture or threats. Just to see how he had turned out after facing justice on Asgard.

As he closed the giant doors behind her, he leaned back against it and crossed his arms. For a second Natasha believed it had been an elaborate scheme of his, a terrible plan to at least see her die and face another decade of punishment to escape the beautiful life of all the people surrounding him.

Then he slumped down onto the last step of the stairs leading up to the door keeping all the beauty away from him. It was no graceful motion, free of all dignity and malice, just a sudden outburst of tiredness.

Loki did not explain himself.

Natasha sat down beside him.

"I fear I cannot do this", he said after a while, in a tone that was a lot more somber than she liked it to be.

"Attending the marriage?"

Of course she knew that was not what he was talking about; but it was all about trying what she could and couldn't do.

Loki snorted and gave her a blank stare.

"_I can't be good_, Black Widow", he replied quietly ran his hand through his hair.

Around them, the golden walls shone with delight; celebrating the ceremony, Asgard and probably life as it was.

Natasha imagined Loki standing in the huge, wide halls all by himself after his detention, constantly reminded he was out of place as a frost giant could be in the warm, glistening sun. A terrible desire to belong somewhere burned inside her- a despicable trait that empathy brought upon her. She understood what he wanted to tell her; but instead of taking the burden off of him, she let him struggle with words. Loki needed to find the words and get rid of them; it did not matter who was present to remember their meaning.

"I know they expect me to. And I wish I could. I wish I could just... stop and not do what it is I do", he said and clasped his hand, "Albeit I know what my actions would unleash, I cannot fight my urges; and the doubt, Miss Romanoff. They are the better liars, these golden sons of Asgard, they can make me _hope_ for it to be better."

"The trust in your family is not what it once was, then?"

"It is not only them. I see people smiling at what I try to make them see; this facade of _humanity_- they have not seen what I am", he answered.

Loki was not depressed or unsure of his place in the universe, she realized, it was something deeper, darker and so much more reasonable to her.

"You are scared", Natasha stated and tried to keep eye contact.

"I am scared of what I am", he agreed and swallowed hard, "I do not want to hurt anymore. I do not want to hurt _them_. But I fear that I have to."

She shook her head.

"When did you stop lying?"

"Where would be the point right now? I talk to you for you _know_ what I am talking about. I desire help. I need help. Lying would gain me nothing today."

For a moment, they kept quiet.

"How long has it been for you? Our three years?", she asked eventually.

"Long enough to calm my rage. I do not regret, I am not capable of anything that would make me value past... what I crave are simple moments in time- I _do_ things and marvel at plans unfolding. But consequences? Cause and effect are not what I consider ever, Miss Romanoff. I just _act_."

"Or so you did back then."

"Yes. Time burned away all intentions I ever had. But I had no change of mind... I merely cannot find the strength to plot for chaos to ensue."

"Then you shouldn't", she tried to reason naively.

"_But I have to_. What you cannot understand, Miss Romanoff, is the simple fact that gods as me or Thor are not allowed to change. We can learn humility or pride or _repression_, but it is still in us, always apparent. I was destined to usher in the end of the world, a burning future for Asgard and that is what it will all add up to. What I do on the way is meaningless; in the end I will not have a choice."

Natasha frowned.

"That is a way not to take responsibility and deal with guilt. Pretty arrogant, don't you think? Of both you and people revealing a _predetermined_ future to you", she said angrily, "So you can always say you had no choice? That's despicable. And who died and made you a _god_?"

His expression was not hateful or pained, he looked at her and narrowed his eyes with a certain look of surprise only saved for positive outcomes.

"So what you say is..."

"How can you tell that the way you follow right now isn't leading you to Ragnarok? It could be the choices you have made up until now that force you to whatever you believe you have to do. If you had chosen differently, you could have saved yourself, maybe", she said and smiled at his confused face, "Yes, we humans know about Ragnarok. But we do believe choices matter. Thinking the future is predetermined is just a poor excuse to take the easy way out."

Loki started laughing when she finished. His tense body relaxed and even though he seemed to try to keep quiet, his chuckling did not cease right away.

Natasha hated herself as she realized how she felt seeing him like this; she wished he would keep this expression of genuine amusement, smile and be happier than he chose to be. It pleased her to see him laughing honestly; if he deserved to feel the right to do so was a different point.

She fought back a smile.

"I used to think so, Black Widow. Before all of this, all of _you_", he said after a while and stared away at the blindingly bright surroundings, "But a mind like this is revolution. It is changes. And that is not what will be approved by asgardian standards."

Natasha noticed she understood what he meant.

"I wondered... what was wrong with me? Why could I not be like Thor? And believe me, I tried all my life to imitate him and become an image of perfection as he is. I tried changing my predilections, lose my interest in literature or even sleep with women I did not love", he went on and smiled, "Did you see the Vanir woman passing by Thor and wishing him all the best? The one in the green dress, ignoring me fully?"

Of course she had seen her.

"She used to be my wife, a thousand years ago, I would guess. I broke her heart. I wonder why."

"Did it work?", Natasha asked.

"I beg your pardon, mortal?"

"All your pretending. Did it work for you?"

"Sometimes it did. Sometimes I felt as though a part of me finally belonged to Asgard. Some twisted part of my mind", he responded casually, "But I was still me inside. Even if they did not realize or comprehend it, I did. I wanted to be _seen_ as who I was."

"And now?"

"Now I am nothing", he replied without a tinge of emotion, "I am stuck in between worlds."

The sun was going down on the other side of the realm; she could see the planet slowly descend and leave. Did Loki want to get away? He did not look as though he was going to try anything.

"You can be a brother for a start", she suggested and it surprised her how attentively he watched her, searching her face for a sign of honesty and it was a desperate search indeed.

"I am not good at being a son, let alone being a brother."

Natasha knew he needed something; just a bit of affection, a human touch by a person he respected, but she could not give it to him. As she had pondered before- any actions to comfort him would come to close to forgiveness and renewed trust.

"You should be in there", he said all off a sudden.

Natasha smiled.

"So should you."

Loki shook his head in amusement and his hair fell into his face, making him look ruffled and even more childish than his eyes managed to do.

"They will not miss me much", he said and grinned his wolfish-looking grin, showing all his teeth. Something about this set her on edge; it was the reminder of how he had pierced her defenses and almost cracked her; before she had beaten him at his game. Loki had come too close.

"That is not the point, though, is it?", she asked, "You care about Thor."

For a moment it seemed he would not tell her. But a barrier had been brought down between them, a silent agreement of truth, so how could he stop _now_, after coming so far? It was in his interest to make her understand, after all.

"I would ruin his big day", he muttered, "I would destroy everything and not even know why."

"Nothing is-"

"You do not _understand_, Miss Romanoff. I _cannot stop it_. I just... _do_ things and mess up over and over again. This one day is so very special for Thor and I would _crush_ it if I got the chance", he hissed and bit his bottom lip, "I just... no matter what I do, it will fail. I will fail and mess up and _break_ everything there ever was."

Natasha smiled at him.

"You do love him, eh?"

Loki looked at her and frowned.

"I suppose."

"So why worry? You can't make it worse if you stick to that thought."

"We talked about it."

Loki waited a moment and gestured her to look at the whole hall, everything so opposing and impressive.

"All of this. His wedding. The coronation", he said and his knuckles turned white as he clasped his hands harder, "We acknowledged it has always been clear one had to be chosen over the other. Hence I accepted it... I never wanted the throne. It was rather the idea of being _considered _to be crowned."

His stare was focused on nothing at all.

"Thor asked me to be at his side today. He also told me he knew I would not accept, but he wanted me to know he would ask his brother first. I never even talked to the mortal."

"You are still not used to this side of him", she stated.

Loki gave her a questioning look.

"Thor told me and Clint he has been different before he came to earth, inconsiderate, vain, greedy, cruel and ungrateful to his family."

"He was, Odin and Frigga never let him know, though."

"You were part of the family he talked about. And even though I doubt you will ever see it the same way, you still are", she said.

"I know", Loki answered curtly, "But still you do not understand. You speak to me only pondering what good of an ally the god of chaos could prove to be; what asset. I do not hold it against you, you are willing to listen and I shall use that to my advantage; but you still lack the empathy to see what stops me."

"What makes you believe I would want to know?"

"You followed me. You stayed", he replied and closed his eyes as he leaned his head back against the door.

The silence engulfing them was pleasant and natural, in a way; it was not for a lack of subjects they stopped talking for just a second to take a deep breath and _stop thinking._

"Even though I am envious, I know he will make a good husband and king", Loki said, "I know it is right to choose him. I have done things to dishonor Asgard's name... yet I cannot put the thoughts to rest."

"It hurts nonetheless, doesn't it?", she muttered and saw how his gaze softened ever so little. She did not give him any time to reply.

"We have to return and attend the important part of the party."

Loki got up slowly and straightened out his clothes. His formal attire looked less shiny and intimidating than his usual armor, in her eyes this clothing was weakening. Modesty was not a trait that a god should openly display.

And yet she found herself enjoying his rather depressing company and his looks as well; it suited him, this quieter, more mischievous than brutal facet.

"So we shall."

Natasha wanted to say a last, comforting word to make him see it had not been just a play of power, but an attempt to help him- which she did not believe herself. But as it somehow went in life... the moment was lost as he opened the door without giving her the chance.

"Loki, you-", she tried to say, but the beautiful music and sounds of joy swallowed her voice and trailed off into the giant hall behind her.

Natasha felt vulnerable as she saw Loki vanish into the crowd, his back turned on her.

And then he turned once more, grinning at her and saying something she could not understand in the noise.

It did not matter at all.

She had listened and that would suffice.


End file.
